Archive for December, 2016

Santa Flies into the Liberal State: Rudolph’s Big Carbon Footprint

Saturday, December 17th, 2016



North Pole (AP [Arctic Press]) – In what can best be described as one of Santa Claus’ worst weeks ever, the corporate conglomerate better known as  Kris Kringle Inc. (“KKI”) was on the receiving end of the wrath of the Obama Administration, Occupy Wall Street, congressional Democrats, organized labor and feminists.

On Monday morning, the Department of Justice led the charge by filing a suit in federal court alleging that KKI was, in fact, a monopoly. Attorney General Loretta Lynch took the reins (pardon the pun) and held a press conference explaining the action. ”One of the greatest threats to our economy is the erosion of free competition in our markets,” said Ms. Lynch. “And no one best exemplifies a lack of free competition better than Santa Claus and his corporate behemoth, Kris Kringle Inc. Think about it, is there any other entity out there that rides around the world on Christmas Eve and provides gifts to children? The answer is a resounding “NO!” And given that he does not charge anything for such gifts, we are looking into anti-dumping violations especially as we believe that some of his toys were not produced by his elves but in China.”

Image result for santa
Kris Kringle: terrorist, or worse, male chauvinist?


The day only got worse as Monday afternoon saw the Environmental Protection Agency seek a court injunction against Mr. Claus’ Christmas Eve run. Apparently, the team of reindeer are considered “ruminant livestock” that are capable of producing tons of methane gas that contribute to global warming. In a press conference, EPA Administrator Gina McCarthy said that global warming should not be a partisan issue and that all thinking people, who care about Mother Earth, should be against Rudolph and his methane-emitting co-conspirators (Afterwards, she admitted [off the record] that EPA press conferences emit more hot air into the atmosphere than do the other alleged sources).

Rounding out the Monday barrage, President Obama held an impromptu news conference and wondered aloud if Mr. Claus was paying “his fair share” in taxes. He then went on to say that to show his seriousness in the war on terror and ease public fear, he was going to have a squadron of F-16s escort Mr. Claus in his sled as he flew over the United States given that Santa is on the Homeland Security Terrorist Watch List.

Tuesday turned out to be no better as members of congress got into the fracas. In Mr. Claus, they found their pigeon…err…man. Senator Schumer of New York thundered “Santa has to decide whether he is for the middle class or against it! George W. Bush, too! And throw in Richard Nixon for good measure.” Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi suggested that Santa’s operation may fall under financial services regulations and, if not, vowed to pass legislation so that it would be, until she remembered it was no longer 2010 and that she was no longer Speaker of the House.

Wednesday continued Mr. Claus’ lousy streak: Occupy Wall Street unearthed itself and got into the fray as only they can: “Occupy North Pole.” Actually, they could not get up there due to logistics and the fact that there are no Starbucks nor bodegas at the top of the world. But they were there in spirit, protesting, and held “virtual sit-ins” smack dab at the North Pole. And their message was clear as a frozen bell: Mr. Claus is worse than the 1% as he is the only one in his class. “ELITIST!!” they whined.

Thursday saw the leadership at the New Jersey Education Association assert that the fall of Santa shows how wrong Governor Chris Christie’s policies are. When pressed, they could not elaborate.

Then National Organization for Women president Terry O’Neill asserted that Santa Claus could well be a male chauvinist as he keeps Mrs. Claus home to bake cookies, knit sweaters and maintain the home. Ms. O’Neill said an intervention is planned to rescue Mrs. Claus from “the surly bonds of 1950s male domination.”

Finally, on Friday, Richard Trumka, AFL-CIO President, pointed out that Santa’s elves are not unionized and thus likely exploited. He went on to say “and to my fellow worker elves, we are with you, we feel your pain whether it exists or not, and UNION YES!!”

Sensing potential political downside to this onslaught on a Christmas icon, the Obama administration held a joint press conference with Department of Labor Secretary Thomas Perez and Department of Energy Secretary Ernest Moniz. Secretary Moniz reassured Mr. Claus that if KKI had to abandon its “core business model” (he looked confused when he used such term), the Energy Department would help him get into the alternative energy industry. As if on cue, Secretary Perez urged congress for extended unemployment benefits legislation. But he went on to implicitly threaten Mr. Claus by saying that in the spirit of transparency, his operation would have to set up a website similar to ObamaCare’s. That caused a chill in the North Pole, no doubt.

Mr. Claus could not be reached for comment but reports say he was huddling with a team of lawyers planning his next moves.

-I.M. Windee