Parenting Advice For Just Another Father: Prince William
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Fatherhood is tough in this Mr. Mom era, even for a prince
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Last week, Prince William and his wife Kate Middleton experienced the birth of a son named George.
Like the rest of us commoners, young George was born in a hospital and William, like most fathers, drove his family home.
Being a battle-hardened veteran of the birth of 2 children, it seems fitting to share a little advice with a compatriot who has been described as one of us and just entered the twilight zone known as fatherhood:
- Regarding those 3 a.m. feedings, have Kate do it. My understanding is that she is a stay-at-home mom. Thus, don’t lose the early battle of who feeds Junior at un-godly hours. You’re the breadwinner, you need your sleep to go out and support the family the next day. And tell her you need your beauty sleep as much as she does, maybe more.
- Diapers. Ok, this is a multi-part subject. First, you’re gonna need lots of them….lots. My advice is buy in bulk at Costco (or the equivalent thereof in England). You could easily blow through a King’s Fortune (pardon the pun) if you don’t buy wisely.
- Like I said, you’ll still be leaving the house (palace) to support the family. DON’T feed Junior before you leave the homestead if you’re in your work clothes as you will be wearing half of the bottle you fed him. In fact, stay at least 20 feet from him as his projectile capability is on par with an inter-continental ballistic missile.
- Remember those quiet, perhaps romantic, and certainly civile dinners with Kate? That’s what they are now, a memory. Now you must practice the art of feigning enjoyment at watching your sire effuse from every orifice at the dinner table while you down your Hamburger Helper, just like the rest of us fellow fathers do.
- Let’s get back to diapers. There’s a fine art to changing them that only your nannies would know but you must master. First, a gas-mask doesn’t hurt. You could try the 10-foot long prongs but they are cumbersome and could hurt Junior. Speed is of the essence, though. When you decide to break the seal and remove it, get it into that diaper compactor in nano-seconds. Never open the diaper compactor unless need be, treat it as the box that contains the Arc of the Covenant with decidedly severe consequences if opened. Besides, Junior will be performing enough exploration of it when he gets mobile.
- Regarding the diaper compactor, consider videotaping when you empty it. This could fill the void that the absence of Mike Rowe’s Dirty Jobs created. You could call it Royal Palace Unpleasant Tasks.
- Sunday afternoon rides with the family? Bring plenty of diapers and make sure that the windows in your hundred-thousand dollar car work, diapers leak.
- Time out with the boys? Go for it! And to be able to hold that beer stein without spilling it, the papoose is your best bet with young George riding in it.
Finally, as the papers have said you act like a regular guy (a fad amongst the elite and privileged from political and religious leaders to the rich), would you mind sending me a couple of your nannies that you won’t be using as having experienced all of the above, I admit I need all the help I can get even with the kids older now?
-I.M. Windee
