Mortimer Randolph “Chip” Winthorpe, XXVII: Businessman, Philanthropist, S.O.B.
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An honest obituary
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One of the more peculiar pieces that occasionally graces some papers, aside from the atrocities that humans commit upon each other, is the honorarium that is paid for which reminds us, if not celebrates, the life of a deceased person, usually a businessman. Some can take the space of a whole page, others no more than that of an over-sized classified ad. But they are all unusual in that they inform us of the saintly virtue that this person allegedly had, as if the Vatican is in the process of beatification for such newly deceased pilgrim.
It’s a wonder why such an ostensibly wonderful person would need one final earthly public relations push. Don’t people already know how good she or he was? Why do they need a reminder? Maybe it is assumed that God reads the papers and he’ll judge the deceased better after reading such puff piece.
With the death of Mortimer Randolph “Chip” Winthorpe, XXVII, the world eagerly awaits………#28
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Given the corporate world we hear about, one must believe these encomia are, to put it charitably, overly flattering.
Here’s what a more sober eulogy would look like [WITH CLARIFYING TEXT] if not paid for by the deceased’s estate nor beneficiaries of the dearly departed pietist:
Mortimer Randolph “Chip” Winthorpe, XXVII, 70, of Rochester, NH and Palm Beach Gardens, FL [ACTUALLY, HE HADN'T BEEN IN THE CITY LIMITS OF ROCHESTER SINCE HIS CHILDHOOD BUT WANTED TO BE KNOWN AS STILL "IN TOUCH WITH HIS ROOTS"] died on March 19, 2013 surrounded by his family [IN TRUTH, HE DIED AT THE HOME OF HIS MISTRESS BUT HIS CHAUFFER, PROVIDED TO HIM IN HIS RETIREMEMT PACKAGE AS AN EX-CEO, IMMEDIATELY MOVED HIS BODY BACK TO HIS ESTATE AND CONTACTED HIS WIFE WHO WAS ON VACATION; SHE GRUDGINGLY CUT SHORT HER SOJOURN ON THE FRENCH RIVIERA. AS IN THE EXECUTIVE SUITE, HE THOUGHT HE WAS SUPERMAN AND TOOK A COPIOUS AMOUNT OF VIAGRA THAT DAY DESPITE A HISTORY OF CARDIAC PROBLEMS. HE LEARNED HIS LESSON.]. He was a veteran [OF THE PALM BEACH POLO CLUB] and held a BS and MBA from New York University [AS REVEALED A FEW YEARS AGO IN AN EXPOSE, HE DID NOT HOLD THE MBA BUT HIS BRIDGE PARTNER DID]. Since 2002, he served as Executive Managing Director [EFFECTIVELY, VICE-PRESIDENT OF THE CLOSET] of the leading high net-worth investment advisory firm Dewey, Cheathem & Howe. Prior to that, he served as President and Chief Executive Officer of FOS Industries, where his crowning achievement was to stand down a striking union and not give any concessions. When the strike ended, Mr. Winthorpe issued a statement saying “increasing the line-workers’ base pay from $8 to $9 an hour would have put yet another U.S. company at a competitive disadvantage with foreign firms and I’ll be damned if I’ll allow such un-American acts to occur while I’m leading this company!” Shareholders cheered him on as the stock increased 50% for the rest of the year and the board of directors rewarded Mr. Winthorpe for his patriotism with a $12 million bonus [ESTIMATED BY ANALYSTS TO BE $2 MILLION MORE THAN THE PAY INCREASE LINE WORKERS WERE LOOKING FOR]. A leading Conservative editorial page at the time gushed “this country needs more business leaders like Mr. Winthorpe; he’s what will prevent further American decline and a descent of corporate executives into lower marginal tax brackets.”
Over the span of his 50+ year career, he played a leading role in the development and subsequent globalization of supply-chain logistics. He began his professional career at Bauer, Stern and Co. [WHERE HE REALIZED THERE WAS ALREADY AN ENTRENCHED, OSSIFIED EXEUTIVE TEAM EXTRACTING RICH COMPENSATION PACKAGES AND WERE NOT GOING TO SHARE SO HE MOVED] and later joined Pilsbury, Nugent and Co. eventually becoming Chairman and CEO [THANKS TO SOME VERY SHARP ELBOWS, CLUB CONNECTIONS AND UNTRACEABLE BACKROOM DEALS ENRICHING THE BOARD]. He was a member of the Board of Trustees of Largesse University and a founding member of the Largesse University Wall Street Committee [BOTH POSITIONS ATTAINED BY GENEROUS DONATIONS FROM HIS BONUS EARNED FROM NOT GIVING HIS LINE-WORKERS $1/HOUR PAY INCREASES WHEN THEY WENT ON STRIKE]. He was a board member of the Save-the-Earth Foundation, Widows’ and Childrens’ Fund, and numerous other foundations [THAT HE HIMSELF WOULD NO BE ABLE TO NAME; ONLY HIS BOOKKEEPER COULD AS SHE WOULD SEND CHECKS TO SUCH TO RETAIN AFFILLIATION FOR PRESS RELEASES AND HIS OBITUARY]. Mr. Winthorpe also had a building named after him at Largesse University in gratitude for his charity [WHICH HE OFTEN QUIPPED IN PRIVATE SHOULD BE NAMED "FOS INDUSTRIES LINE-WORKERS' HALL" AS THEY EFFECTIVELY PAID FOR IT BY NOT GETTING THE PAY INCREASE THEY SOUGHT AND DESERVED].
Beloved husband of Claire “Mitsy” Cavanaugh [HE NEVER HAD THE COURAGE OF HIS CONVICTIONS SO HE REMAINED OFFICIALLY MARRIED AND HAD, BY ONE UNOFFICIAL COUNT, 17 MISTRESSES OVER THE COURSE OF HIS LIFETIME], loving father of Elizabeth (“Little Mitsy”) [WHO CLAIMED HE WAS THE BEST FATHER A GIRL COULD HAVE AS HE NEVER MISSED A WEEKLY STIPEND] and Mortimer Jr. [UNAVAILABLE FOR COMMENT AS HE HAS BEEN ESTRANGED SINCE BIRTH].
A memorial service will be held at Our Lady of the Perpetual Collection Plate Church, in New York City [WHERE MSSR. WINTHORPE CONTRIBUTED ENOUGH TITHES TO HAVE 18 PEWS NAMED AFTER HIM AS WELL AS OBTAIN INDULGENCES FOR HIMSELF, HIS FAMILY AND HIS MISTRESSES].
-I.M Windee
