Surveillance of Joe and Jane Six-Pack

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What snippets of calls from the masses would look like

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The latest kerfuffle over the National Security Agency analyzing patterns in phone usage has raised several issues. There is no evidence to date that government is monitoring the text of phone calls unless there is specific reason to. Such is good not just from a constitutional perspective but if G-men did have to listen to the great unwashed……

  • “Can you believe Linda Cardellini is engaging Steven Rodriguez?!? I thought I had a shot. I sent her 14 letters and figured she’d go for a pizza flipper from Staten Island. Dumb broad!”
  • “I hope Kim and Kanye tie the knot as their child deserves to grow up in a stable home.”
  • “I’m sorry, I don’t follow current events. Barack who?”
  • “Yeh, Yeh. Sorry to hear the chemo isn’t working. Did you happen to catch this week’s Pick-6?”
  • “Sorry sugar but this Sunday is no good. After church we’re going to the Klan’s annual civic pride picnic.”

Amongst other threats to society that NSA eavesdropping on calls could reveal is that Kim Kardashian and Snooki Polizzi are guiding lights for all too many

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  • “Sweetie, if you want fulfillment in life I’ve got just 2 words: Bo Tox.”
  • “I’m going to IKEA and not leaving until I get the futon I’ve always wanted…I’m tired of pushing off my lifelong dreams.”
  • “I did it!!…I finished the Sunday crossword puzzle!!…….in The Newark Star-Ledger.”
  • “Why are you worried about Obama? Didn’t the navy SEALS get him in Afghanistan or Jersey City or somewhere like that overseas?” [this call intercepted from a 20-something in the San Fernando Valley].
  • “Could we continue this conversation on Twitter?”
  • “Look, we all gotta die someday. Now you either have the winning Pick-6 numbers or you don’t. Stop sobbing!!”
  • “Me? My life goal? A reality show. Gotta aim high.”
  • “Whenever I am faced with a tough decision, I call you……or ask myself ‘what would Snooki do?’ “
  • “NASCAR or visit my wife and newborn in the hospital tomorrow? The wife will forget and my new kid is too young to realize. Besides, I’ll bring them back a Pennzoil cap and chew.” [this call intercepted in Tennessee].
  • “Ok. If we don’t Twitter the rest of this conversation, how about we do it on Facebook? Hearing a voice is unnerving.”
  • “I don’t care if Mitsy is rumored to be wearing the low-cut red Jovani dress to the cancer research fundraiser. I’m going in it as I deferred to her last year and I’m tired of her dictating what I wear! Besides, wardrobe is something I strongly believe in.” [this call intercepted somewhere in the Hamptons].
  • “I hope Kim doesn’t marry that Kanye West fellow. I think she’d be better off with someone like me,  a pizza flipper from Staten Island.”

Perhaps Liberals are right that we should keep private, at all costs, the bantering of the masses. If the enemy, whomever that may be, got detailed insight about our cultural decay, the republic would be in big trouble.

-I.M. Windee


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