A Government Employment Agreement for Generation X-ers
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Plugging government leaks the bureaucratic way: with government forms
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With the recent leaking of the NSA metadata surveillance program by the young Edward Snowden and the commencement of the trial last week of Bradley Manning for giving classified military documents to Wiki-leaks, I pondered just how such breaches in security could occur.
The citizen in me concluded that there are those who are downright unpatriotic if not traitorous. But the armchair sociologist and lawyer in me, which (surprisingly) won the debate, concluded that these and other leaks were nothing more than the result of lousy legal word-smithing resulting in miscommunication between generations. To wit, the employment agreements that Mssrs. Manning and Snowden signed were just poorly drafted, allowing for ambiguity and confusion as they and their contemporaries do not think in the same way as prior generations did (select children of the ’60s aside). They did not mean to violate the terms of their employment and endanger the country, they just didn’t know what the parameters were; they were confused. After all, at 30 years of age, a Generation X-er should not be expected to understand all that legal mumbo-jumbo in such agreement, especially as there is no app for it. And there is no way someone of their generation could intuitively grasp the arcane concept of duty in this day and age.
So, in support of my government, I hereby provide the following employment agreement (in addition to all of the tax money I shovel to Uncle Sam and his state and local underlings) which is a standard form used with (ADDITIONS, CLARIFYING LANGUAGE AND LIKELY EMPLOYEE FEEDBACK) for the government to give to all of the Generation X-ers hired by government so that there may never again be another un-tidy security leak like this:
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CLASSIFIED INFORMATION NONDISCLOSURE EMPLOYMENT AGREEMENT (A PROMISE TO KEEP SECRETS)
AN AGREEMENT BETWEEN AND THE UNITED STATES AND ZIGGY WIKI-APP (THEM AND YOU)
1. Intending to be legally (IF NOT MORALLY NOR REALITY) bound, I (THIS MEANS YOU) hereby accept the obligations contained in this Agreement (ALL OF THEM) in consideration of my being granted access to classified information (REALLY IMPORTANT STUFF). As used in this Agreement, classified information is marked or unmarked classified information, including oral communications, that is classified under the standards of Executive Order 12958 (GOOGLE IT FOR A BETTER EXPLANATION THAN OUR LAWYERS CAN PROVIDE HERE), or under any other Executive order or statute that prohibits the unauthorized disclosure of information in the interest of national security (AGAIN, REALLY IMPORTANT STUFF!!); and unclassified information that meets the standards for classification and is in the process of a classification determination as provided in Sections 1.2, 1.3, and 1.4(e) of Executive Order 12958, or under any other Executive order or statute that requires protection for such information in the interest of national security (DON’T EVEN ATTEMPT TO FIGURE IT OUT, JUST TRY TO KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT). I understand and accept that by being granted access to classified information, special confidence and trust [GET OVER THE DUSTY, OLD TERMS] shall be placed in me by the United States Government (“THE MAN”).
Bradley Manning and Edward Snowden are not traitors but merely Generation X-ers who needed clearer employment agreements
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2. I hereby acknowledge that I have received a security indoctrination concerning the nature and protection of classified information, including the procedures to be followed in ascertaining whether other persons to whom I contemplate disclosing this information have been approved for access to it, and that I understand these procedures (REMEMBER THAT APP YOU GOT? USE IT WHEN YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT SECRETS OVER A LATTE AND IT WILL GIVE YOU GUIDANCE [ON BOTH THE SECRET AND WHAT KIND OF LATTE TO DRINK]).
3. I have been advised that the unauthorized disclosure, unauthorized retention, or negligent handling of classified information by me could cause damage or irreparable injury to the United States or could be used to advantage by a foreign nation (I WILL ALSO LOSE STARBUCK PRIVILEGES AND HAVE MY I-WHATEVER TAKEN AWAY FROM ME). I hereby agree that I will never divulge classified information to anyone unless: (a) I have officially verified that the recipient has been properly authorized by the United States Government to receive it; or (b) I have been given prior written notice of authorization from the United States Government Department or Agency (hereinafter Department or Agency) responsible for the classification of the information or last granting me a security clearance that such disclosure is permitted (TRANSLATION: UNLESS SOMEONE OR THE APP ALLOWS YOU TO). I understand that if I am uncertain about the classification status of information, I am required to confirm from an authorized official that the information is unclassified before I may disclose it, except to a person as provided in (a) or (b), above (ADDITIONALLY, I WILL CONSIDER A CAREER CHANGE GIVEN THAT I CAN’T SEE THE OBVIOUS).
4. I have been advised that any breach of this Agreement may result in the termination of any security clearances I hold; removal from any position of special confidence and trust requiring such clearances; or the termination of my employment or other relationships with the Departments or Agencies that granted my security clearance or clearances (I’LL GET TO SLEEP IN).
5. I hereby assign to the United States Government all royalties, remunerations, and emoluments that have resulted, will result or may result from any disclosure, publication, or revelation of classified information not consistent with the terms of this Agreement (WHATEVER).
6. I understand that the United States Government may seek any remedy available to it to enforce this Agreement including, but not limited to, application for a court order prohibiting disclosure of information in breach of this Agreement (AGAIN, WHATEVER). I also agree that if I break this agreement and commit an egregious leak that threaten the national defense, I must act as an on-call and celebrated national security expert for 1 year on any MSNBC show.
7. I understand that all classified information to which I have access or may obtain access by signing this Agreement is now and will remain the property of, or under the control of the United States Government unless and until otherwise determined by an authorized official or final ruling of a court of law (ALONG WITH ALL FREQUENT FLIER MILES I ACCUMULATE WHEN I’M ON THE LAM LIKE THAT SNOWDEN FELLOW DID FOR BREAKING THESE SILLY RULES). I agree that I shall return all classified materials which have, or may come into my possession or for which I am responsible because of such access (BUT NEVER MY I-WHATEVER).
8. I have read this Agreement carefully and my questions, if any, have been answered. I acknowledge that the briefing officer (THAT DUDE THAT IS CRAMPED AND SEEMS CONSTIPATED has made available to me the Executive Order and statutes referenced in this Agreement and its implementing regulation (32 CFR Section 2003.20) so that I may read them at this time, if I so choose (LIKE I EVER WOULD).
SIGNATURE/DATE
/s/_______________________________
THE UNDERSIGNED ACCEPTED THIS AGREEMENT ON _["WHENEVER"]_
SECURITY DEBRIEFING ACKNOWLEDGEMENT
I agree that I will not communicate or transmit classified information to any unauthorized person or organization (EVEN IF I THINK I CAN DICTATE NATIONAL SECURTY POLICY BETTER THAN OUR NATIONALLY ELECTED LEADERS).
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SIGNATURE/IP ADDRESS OF EMPLOYEE
-I.M. Windee
