I recently went to buy a board game of Monopoly, mine having been destroyed by Hurricane Irene and the indifference of Just-Won’t-Power-&-Light (JWP&L [a.k.a. JCP&L]).

After having been surprised to see that several “updated” versions of the iconic game have been released, including those newer ones that have the board on a wheel with an electronic device in the middle, I was relieved that old-timers (80s children) like myself still have the good-old fashioned stone and flint iteration (dice and board).

But much unlike myself, still stuck in the 80’s (1880s, that is), the Monopoly game has moved on and kept up with the times.

Here are a few of the old rules blessed with “progressive” updates:

• Old Rule: Everyone starts out with $1,500 each. Progressive Update: Yes, but those who show signs of creativity or entrepreneurial spirit  which could give them an advantage in the game are immediately pointed out and ostracized  for prospectively oppressing the rest of the players; a surtax of $500 is taken  from them; they start with only $1,000 in the interest of “fairness.”
• Old Rule: Income Tax of $200 if you land on that square.  Progressive Update: A full analysis  of your income, worth, and lineage.  Too  high on the first 2 or politically incorrect on the last will wipe you out;  100% tax (think: “fair share”……you’re welcome).
• Old  Rule: Reading, Pennsylvania, B&O and Short Line  Railroads: Cost of $200 each. Progressive Update: railroads are too carbon-intensive and thus politically incorrect, if not inconvenient.  The railroads have been replaced by solar or  wind energy companies and you get paid $500 to acquire one.
• Old  Rule: “Chance”; possible financial downside. Progressive Update: Zero downside;  the government will come in and backstop any adverse edict that you may get on  a Chance card.
• Old Rule: “Free Parking”; parochial versions would actually give some money for  landing on it. Progressive Update: Renamed “Occupy  Wall Street Demonstration Site”.  Free  meals and a suspension of many civil rules allowed; no need to roll dice when  it’s your turn; stay as long as you like.
• Old  Rule: “Go to Jail”: Miss a turn; miss possible benefits. Progressive Update: Best move you  could’ve made! If a white-collar criminal, start writing a book and planning post-incarceration interviews on various financial news networks.  If other than a white-collar criminal, you  are the darling of the Liberals; call Gloria Allred; you’re set for life!
• Old Rule: “Community Chest: Bank Error in Your favor. Collect $200.” Progressive Update: You get to sue  the bank and win automatically; crushing government regulations forthcoming.
• Old Rule: “Community Chest: From Sale  of Stock You Get $50.” Progressive Update: You Get $25;  and you probably don’t deserve that much but we need to keep face; we remember The Bastille.
• Old  Rule: “You inherit $100.” Progressive Update: Remit the $100 to the government and where’s the  body buried (there’s valuables on it that decedent owes in “fairness” to the government)?
• Old  Rule: “Luxury Tax”: Pay $100. Progressive Update: Are you kidding?  Anything with “luxury” in it will decimate you; turn in all of your money and feel guilty that you had it in the first place (kind of like being in the Catholic Church).
• Old Rule: “Pay Hospital Fees of $100.” Progressive Update: Stand back; we’ll crush the healthcare industry with government regulation.
• Old  Rule: “Speeding Fine $15.”  Progressive Update: Speeding Fine $130; court costs $35; administrative fees $25; Have a nice day.
• Old Rule: “Go Back Three Spaces.” Progressive Update: Go Back Fifteen Spaces, and don’t whine; this is Barack Obama’s America, you know.
• Old Rule: “You Have Been Elected Chairman of the Board…” Progressive  Update:  Stand By for the Abuse.
• Old Rule: “Bank Pays You Dividend of $50.” Progressive Update: State Attorney  General has demanded you give such back; stand by for grand jury subpoena  regarding such.
• Old Rule: “Advance to Boardwalk.” Progressive Update: Admit nothing.  Nowadays, wealth is looked upon unfavorably; except to those who have such.

We’ve come a long way from the 1930’s game, baby!

-I.M. Windee

This entry was posted on Friday, November 25th, 2011 at 9:13 pm and is filed under Ruminations. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.