North Pole (AP [Arctic Press]) – In what can best be described as one of Santa Claus’ worst weeks ever, Santa and his corporate conglomerate better known as Kris Kringle Inc. (“KKI”) was on the receiving end of the wrath of former President Trump, President Biden, the federal government, former President Obama, #metoo, Occupy Wall Street, congressional Democrats, organized labor and feminists.
Early Monday morning, former President Trump suggested that Santa should be fired for not backing efforts to overturn last year’s election.
President Biden got into the fracas at a press conference and said, after it took him 10 minutes to take off his face mask and understand why he was at the podium, that while Mr. Claus did not support attempts at overturning the election, Santa also “did not come out and robustly endorse the election results which raises the question of whether Kris Kringle believes in democracy.” Biden went on to say, “look, I’ve known Santa since we were kids and I’m deeply disappointed in him. And that he did not support my Build Back Better legislation was really a kick in the gut. The West Virginia voters should not re-elect him. This is not the Santa I’ve known for centuries.” MSNBC immediately followed up for the rest of the day with programs analyzing prior statements by Santa that might reveal his disdain for democracy.
Later in the morning, the Department of Justice led the charge by filing a suit in federal court alleging that KKI was, in fact, a monopoly. Attorney General Merrick Garland took the reins (pardon the pun) and held a press conference explaining the action. ”One of the greatest threats to our economy is the erosion of free competition in our markets. And no one, aside from every other successful business, best exemplifies a lack of free competition better than Santa Claus and his corporate behemoth, Kris Kringle Inc. Think about it, is there any other entity out there that rides around the world on Christmas Eve and provides gifts to children? The answer is a resounding “NO!” And given that he does not charge anything for such gifts, we are looking into anti-dumping violations especially as we believe that some of his toys were not produced by his elves but in China.”
Kris Kringle: tax evader, or worse, male chauvinist?
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The day only got worse as Monday afternoon saw the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) seek a court injunction against Mr. Claus’ Christmas Eve run. Apparently, the team of reindeer are considered “ruminant livestock” that are capable of producing tons of methane gas that contribute to global warming. In a press conference, a EPA spokes-something said that global warming should not be a partisan issue and that all thinking people, who care about Mother Earth, should be against Rudolph and his methane-emitting co-conspirators (Afterwards, she admitted [off the record] that EPA press conferences emit more hot air into the atmosphere than do the other alleged sources).
From California Gov. Gavin Newsom’s office came a statement that if Mr. Claus and his reindeer wanted to enter its airspace he would have to pay a special carbon-emission tax.
Rounding out the Monday barrage, former President Obama held a rare news conference since leaving office and wondered aloud if Mr. Claus was paying “his fair share” in taxes. He then went on to demand that Mr. Claus release his tax returns.
Tuesday turned out to be no better as members of congress entered the melee. In Mr. Claus, they found their pigeon…err…man. Senator Bernie Sanders thundered “Santa has to decide whether he is for the middle class or against it! Donald Trump, too! And throw in Richard Nixon for good measure!” House Speaker Nancy Pelosi suggested that Santa’s operation may fall under financial services regulations and, if not, vowed to pass legislation so that it would.
Then came rumor that Chairman Adam Schiff’s House Intelligence Committee is looking into Mr. Claus’ potential illicit ties to Russia given the close proximity of his home base in the North Pole.
Wednesday continued Mr. Claus’ lousy streak: Occupy Wall Street unearthed itself and got into the fray as only they can: “Occupy North Pole.” Actually, they could not get up there due to logistics and the fact that there are no Starbucks nor bodegas at the top of the world. But they were there in spirit, protesting, and held “virtual sit-ins” smack dab at the North Pole. And their message was clear as a frozen bell: Mr. Claus is worse than the 1% as he is the only one. “ELITIST!!” they whined.
Thursday saw Randi Weingarten, president of the American Federation of Teachers, assert that the fall of Santa shows how teachers need better compensation. When pressed, she could not elaborate.
Then National Organization for Women president Terry O’Neill asserted that Santa Claus could well be a male chauvinist as he keeps Mrs. Claus home to bake cookies, knit sweaters and maintain the home. Ms. Van Pelt said an intervention is planned to rescue Mrs. Claus from “the surly bonds of 1950s male domination.”
Related, reporters at the Washington Post have discovered that when dating, Mr. Claus gave Mrs. Claus an unexpected smooch. While well-received by her, the #metoo movement has been trying to persuade her to join them so as not to send the wrong message that giving a peck on the cheek in a horse-drawn sleigh-ride in the countryside is acceptable behavior.
Finally on Friday, AFL-CIO President Liz Shuler pointed out that Santa’s elves are not unionized and thus likely exploited. She went on to say “and to my fellow worker elves, we are with you, we feel your pain, whether it exists or not, and UNION YES!!”
Sensing potential political downside to this onslaught on a Christmas icon, a joint press conference was held with lifetime bureaucrats from the Department of Labor and Department of Energy. The Energy bureaucrat reassured Mr. Claus that if KKI had to abandon its “core business model” (he looked confused when he used such term), the Energy Department would help him get into the alternative energy industry. As if on cue, the Labor bureaucrat urged congress for extended unemployment benefits legislation. But he went on to implicitly threaten Mr. Claus by saying that in the spirit of transparency, his operation would have to set up a website similar to ObamaCare’s. That caused a chill in the North Pole, no doubt.
Mr. Claus could not be reached for comment but reports say he was huddling with a team of lawyers planning his next moves.
-I.M. Windee
:) I’ll be on vacation next week in the Bahamas. 
