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An accountant recalls (non) Kodak moments from an unusual tax season

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As another tax busy season slogs to a close, this CPA has some memories:

• (client) “I DON’T CARE ABOUT SOME PLAGUE!!! I SHOULD BE GETTING A $300 REFUND AND I WANT MY RETURN DONE NOW!!!”
• (client) “Why must I give you the same forms that I gave to you last year? Can’t you just use those?”
• (the wife on March 20) “I booked our vacation for April 1-7; we got a great rate!”
• (a client on March 25) “I want to thank you for the great job on my taxes. How about dinner the first week of April?”
• (client) “Why must I pay? I don’t like what the government does with my money!”
• (client) “I realize you’re 5 days from a final deadline but I really wanna talk about tax planning for next year. Would you call me in the next hour?”

The attire for this year’s tax season was unlike any prior year’s

______________________________________________

-I. Beetum
Partner/Unofficial Morale Director

cc:

1. Partners & Staff
2. Accounting Today
3. Journal of Accountancy

• (client) “Thanks for doing our taxes again this year. When you get a chance, would you look into why you sent us a bill last year?”
• (client) “No, I paid the balance from last year, but did not pay any of the “estimated” tax vouchers. Is that an issue?  I figured that was only a suggestion. And why do I have a balance due?”
• A tax manager should remember that there’s a reviewer checklist to be strictly followed and adhered to when reviewing a staff-prepared return and that such list should be discarded when reviewing a return prepared by a partner. How could a partner be wrong?
• (client) “I got the tax returns you prepared for me but the return I drafted on TurboTax not only produced a lower tax but no tax at all…”
• (client) “I know I owed money from last year that you said would be offset against this year’s refund but I don’t understand why they took my refund this year? Would you explain it to me for the 17th time?”
• (the memory loss partner) “Look, we encourage good health but why are you going to the doctor during tax season?!?…….Do you see me going?!?….Can’t you wait until April 15?!?……You should have stopped coughing up blood by then and you’ll save the co-pay!”
• (the wife) “I don’t care what time of the year it is! The fertilizer must be laid down no later than April 14!”
• (client) “Great to see you again, Mr. Windee. Seems like only a year ago we spoke.”
• (client) “Hi Mr. Windee. I received my w-2s today. I have no idea what the next step is with them. Could you let me know what I do?”
• [an accounting firm partner]: “What happened with the Widget Corporation return??!!?? It was a 20-hour job that I priced at 10 hours and budgeted to do in 5 yet you put 7 hours in on it!!!! Where’s the 2 hours over budget gonna come from??!!?? Your paycheck??!!??”
• Commensurate with the preceding, all partners want every minute applied to a charge code (except their own clients’). But when they cannot collect they must write such time off. So an hour of work by a $100/hour staff that cannot be billed must be written off. To the partner, that is like taking $100 out of their pockets despite such uncollected charges being what a colleague of mine once wisely coined “funny money.” Until you collect it, it’s just a theory.
• (client) “Wow! The way you just explained my return to me makes it sound so simple! I’m good at math. Maybe I should try doing my returns myself.”
• (the client from March 25 above) “I figured it out; you’re on a diet and don’t want to eat out. How about a Yankees game on April 13? It’s against the Orioles, a great rivalry!”
• (client) “Why do I have to make a payment when my neighbor doesn’t?”
• (the wife on April 12) “I don’t care about your silly client meeting at 6 pm. You tell your client that every Friday night is pizza night with the family and you must be home early. Besides, your top client will understand, trust me.”
• (client) “If I only supported the Iraq war but not Afghanistan, may I get a reduction on my taxes?”
• [that accounting firm partner in a voicemail]: “Where are you? You may have 3 inches of snow where you live but there’s no snow here at the office! And I hear it’s 78 degrees and sunny in Hawaii. How can you not drive when it’s 78 degrees and sunny??!!??”
• (client) “WHAT DO YOU MEAN I OWE??!!?? I THOUGHT YOU WERE A GOOD ACCOUNTANT!!!”
• Starting in late March, my firm has a shoot-to-wound policy: any tax professional who strays too far from the building receives a leg shot that allows them to keep functioning in front of a keyboard……..at least until April 15.
• (the client from March 25 above) “I’m disappointed having not heard from you and it’s mid-April. I’ll give you one last chance: how about snowboarding the first week of July?”

-I.M. Windee

…and a donor worthy of a urinal

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Dear Alumnus-

I write to you with both an update and a challenge.

In regards to the update, it has been a good year for the return on our endowment which has exceeded the Dow Jones average by 3.68%. Additionally, alumni generosity has been robust. Still, there is much to be done.

As many of you might have heard, Charles Herbert (“Chuck”) Hedgecroft XVII embraces this university’s vision for greatness and donated 15 million dollars to us for our Make the World Great fundraising campaign. Because such gift helped us to exceed our 75 million dollar goal sooner than expected, we have increased it to 100 million dollars to allow others to follow the inspirational lead of Chuck. We have re-named the Mortimer Bancroft (“Bo”) Buckingham XIV School of Business to the Charles Herbert Hedgecroft XVII Center for Business Studies and Human Advancement (Mr. Buckingham, who had donated 10 million dollars prior, declined to get into a bidding war given mounting legal bills for his insider trading indictment). As part of Mr. Hedgecroft’s donation terms, a lottery will be held to select 10 people from those currently receiving scholarships who must name their first-born “Hedgecroft.” Additionally, each individual must serve as a human lawn jockey at his estate for 2 of Mr. Hedgecroft’s social gatherings (I will be serving 3).

Other donors who received recognition are as follows:

• Salvatore Giancome had all of the dumpsters on the undergraduate campus named in his honor for a $5mm donation and will attend a ceremony marking such once he is on parole.
• George Mellencup Winthrop XXVII donated $3mm and will have a row of urinals in the Henderson Hall male lavatory named after him. He remarked that he’s not sure he’s worthy of such but embraces this honor nonetheless.
• Roger and Mitzi Howell will have the stalls in the Ezekial Vance Capote Trans-gender Bath and Reflection Room named after them for their $2mm gift.
• James Arthur and Catherine Elizabeth McDowell gave $1mm and will have all of the feminine napkin dispensers in both male and female restrooms on campus emblazoned with their names. Catherine said they now feel they have made a difference with this honor.
• A number of devoted alumni, too numerous and anemic in donation to mention, have shown their loyalty and will be having desks, staplers and hole-punchers named after them (for 1 year and then such will be up for bid again).

There are plenty of structures left on the campus for your name to be on so I ask that you consider such. Note also that there is an upgrade program so if you can only start out at the soap dispenser or trash can level, there are ways to enhance your status.

The George Mellencup Winthrop XXVII Honorary Urinals display a commitment to Currencia U. that all alumni should aspire to and represents the very best of his and the university’s values 

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The “Save Africa from Famine” fundraiser was a huge success that brought in $2.5mm which allowed us to airdrop 3 pallets of Cup-O-Noodles and a case of wet-wipes into the most needy part of Africa. The remainder of the funds went to administrative costs and a rainy-day fund for urgent needs that may arise.

Now to the future.

The Phillip Winthrop Jones building on the Charles Herbert Hedgecroft XVII Center for Business Studies and Human Advancement has now been officially declared obsolete by the Board of Trustees. Built 7 years ago at a cost of $72mm, it was state-of-the-art. But as the demands of education evolve, existing structures like it become outdated and I almost feel ashamed to see our students have to trudge into it each day, as I’m sure you would too. To replace it, we will require a fund drive (named “Great Hearts, Deep Pockets“). It will kick off with a donor’s conference in which anyone who wishes to donate at least $5,000 is invited (the fee to attend has yet to be determined, cash bar).

And as you may know, the proliferation of all of our financial needs has created the necessity for an infrastructure to administer these drives and funds received. I thank the board for its foresightedness in approving a fund drive that will allow us to have a world-class fundraising staff. I am always amazed at, and grateful for, the vision that our board displays when it comes to dealing with financial challenges. I know that the donors who created the administrative burden through their contributions will step up and help us deal with it.

To that end, the Board hired a consulting firm to study and advise how we can further encourage our alumni to show their loyalty and spirit. This firm came up with 2 cutting-edge ideas that we will implement immediately. First, we have decided to offer to our generous donors the option of buying enhanced-fonts for their names when we publish the donor lists in our alumni magazines. For a further showing of loyalty through gifting, their names can be in bold with a pronounced background color. Secondly, we have decided to issue a “non-donors” list. The consultants say this will encourage those who are unsure about whether to support advancing the cause of humanity by contributing to Currencia to do so. The Board wholeheartedly agrees.

Finally, it has come to my attention that society focuses far too much on materialism and the accumulation of money. This must change. Currencia University, through a soon to-be-announced fundraiser, will hold a study and symposium on how our culture can move away from its obsession with acquiring wealth and instead allow us to devote ourselves to advancing the causes that Currencia University does, such as eradicating overseas poverty, ending world famine, eliminating armed conflicts, and addressing global warming, to name just a few. Such an agenda requires a strong financial commitment from you, as I’m sure you’re aware.

St. Igantius said “Act as if everything depended on you.” I and the board read such to mean give profusely to Currencia University. I’m sure you share our interpretation and will donate to help us make the world, and the universe, a better place.

Always in God’s name,

The Very Reverend Phineas Taylor Barnum, S.J., CFO, MBA

President

(with clarity provided by I.M. Windee)

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While this should be published every time I.M. Windee thinks he has received far too many alma mater solicitations, such would occur every week. So it is posted at year-end when these fine institutions appeal to the personal tax-reduction benevolence of donors.

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“Thank you for that extended ovation. It affirms my decision to request that audience applause signs be installed and an activation button placed under my foot.

Today you are here with the most opportunity laid before the feet of any graduating class. Disregard what is said about American Decline; you live in what is known to be the most technologically advanced society known to humanity. Yes, we have shortcomings to be addressed but how we communicate, our life expectancy and medical care, our housing, transportation, sources of knowledge, etc. overall exceed anything in the past.

You are set up for great success and many of you will achieve such.

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But if you do, I ask that you never lose your moorings. Never become, as my grandmother used to say, too big for your britches. In short, don’t let success go to your head to make you discard, assuming you now have them, the basic human values that we should always have.

If you look around your classmates, you will see several that will become wildly successful in the conventional, if not true, sense. There are likely several captains of industry amongst you.

Amongst them are some of the finest, down-to-earth people you may ever know. Unfortunately, that could well change when they achieve success.

I am familiar with a person who was worthy of beatification in his 20s. Through hard work and, of course, luck, he is now extremely successful in the corporate world. Unfortunately, such has skewed his judgment and now the status of the people he associates with, as well as the country clubs they belong to and their tax brackets, are the dispositive factor in whether they are worthy to be in his orbit.

The 19th-century German Chancellor Otto Von Bismarck once observed that absolute power corrupts absolutely. So too does absolute success corrupt the mores of even the best of people. I ask you not to fall into such trap.

I close with what Portfolia U’s administration has required me to remind you of: that your donations to your alma mater not only help humanity but are tax-deductible.

I must now take a large dose of Dramamine.

Godspeed to you.

-I.M. Windee

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The following is one of a series published here every graduation season

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“Thank you for that roaring ovation. Throwing the rose peddles was touching and even more so because they were the kind I requested.

While most speeches speak to soaring platitiudes and grandiose goals, I offer far more practical, albeit strategic, advice.

In a speech I recently gave, I advised graduates that their success would be directly tied to the people they surround themselves with.

This means it’s important not to surround yourself with people who will not make you successful as well as avoiding bad deals.

There are people out there who can only lower your batting average and choices which while giving instant gratification will only be bad for you in the long run. Such must be avoided.

Choices in life may not be so obvious nor easy to make

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To be with people who will benefit you, you can’t be with those who will not.

And such choices will not always be easy nor obvious. One of the harder things to do in life is to accept one facet of the quixotic refrigerator magnet wisdom:  grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.

Accepting that certain people will not be a part of your winning team can be difficult, but must be done.

In 1986, President Reagan, in Reykjavik, Iceland, walked away from what would have been a short-term political victory in a nuclear arms deal with the Soviet Union because he knew that the deal was bad for the country. It took fortitude but he had it. A year later he got the deal he wanted.

You too will be tested throughout your personal and professional lives with bad options disguised as good ones. I urge you to walk away from such.

Finally, I close with wisdom that your administration here at Moneteria University required that I impart today in order to speak before you: be generous alumni and give often to your alma mater.

I will go home now and take a hot bath for 2 hours.

Godspeed to you all.

-I.M. Windee