Santa Flies into the Liberal State: Rudolph’s Big Carbon Footprint

North Pole (AP [Arctic Press]) -  In what can best be described as one of Santa Claus’ worst weeks ever, the corporate conglomerate better known as Kris Kringle Inc. (“KKI”) was on the receiving end of the wrath of the Obama Administration, Occupy Wall Street, congressional Democrats and organized labor.

On Monday morning, the Department of Justice led the charge by filing a suit in federal court alleging that KKI was, in fact, a monopoly.  Attorney General Eric Holder took the reins (pardon the pun) and held a press conference explaining the action. “One of the greatest threats to our economy is the erosion of free competition in our markets,” said Mr. Holder. “And no one best exemplifies a lack of free competition better than Santa Claus and his corporate behemoth, Kris Kringle Inc. Think about it, is there any other entity out there that rides around the world on Christmas Eve and provides gifts to children?  The answer is a resounding “NO!”  And given that he does not charge anything for such gifts, we are looking into anti-dumping violations especially as we believe that some of his toys were not produced by his elves but in China.”

The day only got worse as Monday afternoon saw the Environmental Protection Agency seek a court injunction against Mr. Claus’ Christmas Eve run.  Apparently, the team of reindeer are considered “ruminant livestock” that are capable of producing tons of methane gas that contribute to global warming.  EPA Administrator Lisa Jackson said that global warming should not be a partisan issue and that all thinking people, who care about Mother Earth, should be against Rudolph and his methane-emitting co-conspirators [Later in the interview, she admitted that EPA press conferences emit more hot air into the atmosphere than do the sources it alleges].

Rounding out the Monday barage, President Obama held a rare impromptu news conference and wondered aloud if Mr. Claus was paying “his fair share” in taxes.

Tuesday turned out to be no better.  Heading into an election year, congress was eager to show its mettle.  In Mr. Claus, they found their pigeon…err…man.  Senator Schumer of New York thundered “Santa has to decide whether he is for the middle class or against it!  George W. Bush, too!  And throw in Richard Nixon for good measure.”  Congressman Barney Frank suggested that Santa’s operation may fall under financial services regulations and, if not, vowed to pass legislation so that it would be, until he remembered it was no longer 2010.

Wednesday continued Mr. Claus’ lousy streak: Occupy Wall Street got into the fray as only they can: “Occupy North Pole.”  Actually, they could not get up there due to logistics and the fact that there are no Starbucks nor bodegas at the top of the world.  But they were there in spirit, protesting, and held “virtual sit-ins” smack dab at the North Pole.  Impressive.  And their message was clear as a frozen bell: Mr. Claus is worse than the 1% as he is the only one in his class.  ELITIST!!

Thursday saw the leadership at the New Jersey Education Association assert that the fall of Santa shows how wrong Governor Chris Christie’s policies are.  When pressed, they could not elaborate.

Finally, on Friday, Richard Trumka, AFL-CIO President, pointed out that Santa’s elves are not unionized and thus likely exploited.  He went on to say “and to my fellow worker elves, we are with you, we feel your pain whether it exists or not, and UNION YES!!”

Sensing potential political downside to this onslaught on a Christmas icon, the Obama administration held a joint press conference with Department of Labor Secretary Hilda Solis and Department of Energy Secretary Steven Chu.  Secretary Chu reassured Mr. Claus that if KKI had to abandon its “core business model” (he looked confused when he used such term), the Energy Department would help him get into the alternative energy industry.  As if on queue, Secretary Solis gave a reminder that there are extended unemployment benefits.

Mr. Claus could not be reached for comment but reports say he was with a team of lawyers planning his next moves. Given the week that poor Mr. Claus had, it’s safe to assume that he’ll be voting next year.

-I.M. Windee


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