A Message From Currencia U.’s President….


…and a donor worthy of a urinal


Dear Alumnus-

I write to you with both an update and a challenge.

In regards to the update, it has been a good year for the return on our endowment which has exceeded the Dow Jones average by 3.68%. Additionally, alumni generosity has been robust. Still, there is much to be done.

As many of you might have heard, Charles Herbert (“Chuck”) Hedgecroft XVII embraces this university’s vision for greatness and donated 15 million dollars to us for our Make the World Great fundraising campaign. Because such gift helped us to exceed our 75 million dollar goal sooner than expected, we have increased it to 100 million dollars to allow others to follow the inspirational lead of Chuck. We have re-named the Mortimer Bancroft (“Bo”) Buckingham XIV School of Business to the Charles Herbert Hedgecroft XVII Center for Business Studies and Human Advancement (Mr. Buckingham, who had donated 10 million dollars prior, declined to get into a bidding war given mounting legal bills for his insider trading indictment). As part of Mr. Hedgecroft’s donation terms, a lottery will be held to select 10 people from those currently receiving scholarships who must name their first-born “Hedgecroft.” Additionally, each individual must serve as a human lawn jockey at his estate for 2 of Mr. Hedgecroft’s social gatherings (I will be serving 3).

Other donors who received recognition are as follows:

  • Salvatore Giancome had all of the dumpsters on the undergraduate campus named in his honor for a $5mm donation and will attend a ceremony marking such once he is on parole.
  • George Mellencup Winthrop XXVII donated $3mm and will have a row of urinals in the Henderson Hall male lavatory named after him. He remarked that he’s not sure he’s worthy of such but embraces this honor nonetheless.
  • Roger and Mitzi Howell will have the stalls in the Ezekial Vance Capote Trans-gender Bath and Reflection Room named after them for their $2mm gift.
  • James Arthur and Catherine Elizabeth McDowell gave $1mm and will have all of the feminine napkin dispensers in both male and female restrooms on campus emblazoned with their names. Catherine said they now feel they have made a difference with this honor.
  • A number of devoted alumni, too numerous and anemic in donation to mention, have shown their loyalty and will be having desks, staplers and hole-punchers named after them (for 1 year and then such will be up for bid again).

There are plenty of structures left on the campus for your name to be on so I ask that you consider such. Note also that there is an upgrade program so if you can only start out at the soap dispenser or trash can level, there are ways to enhance your status.

The George Mellencup Winthrop XXVII Honorary Urinals display a commitment to Currencia U. that all alumni should aspire to and represents the very best of his and the university’s values 


The “Save Africa from Famine” fundraiser was a huge success that brought in $2.5mm which allowed us to airdrop 3 pallets of Cup-O-Noodles and a case of wet-wipes into the most needy part of Africa. The remainder of the funds went to administrative costs and a rainy-day fund for urgent needs that may arise.

Now to the future.

The Phillip Winthrop Jones building on the Charles Herbert Hedgecroft XVII Center for Business Studies and Human Advancement has now been officially declared obsolete by the Board of Trustees. Built 7 years ago at a cost of $72mm, it was state-of-the-art. But as the demands of education evolve, existing structures like it become outdated and I almost feel ashamed to see our students have to trudge into it each day, as I’m sure you would too. To replace it, we will require a fund drive (named “Great Hearts, Deep Pockets“). It will kick off with a donor’s conference in which anyone who wishes to donate at least $5,000 is invited (the fee to attend has yet to be determined, cash bar).

And as you may know, the proliferation of all of our financial needs has created the necessity for an infrastructure to administer these drives and funds received. I thank the board for its foresightedness in approving a fund drive that will allow us to have a world-class fundraising staff. I am always amazed at, and grateful for, the vision that our board displays when it comes to dealing with financial challenges. I know that the donors who created the administrative burden through their contributions will step up and help us deal with it.

Finally, it has come to my attention that society focuses far too much on materialism and the accumulation of money. This must change. Currencia University, through a soon to-be-announced fundraiser, will hold a study and symposium on how our culture can move away from its obsession with acquiring wealth and instead allow us to devote ourselves to advancing the causes that Currencia University does, such as eradicating overseas poverty, ending world famine, eliminating armed conflicts, and addressing global warming, to name just a few. Such an agenda requires a strong financial commitment from you, as I’m sure you’re aware.

St. Igantius said “Act as if everything depended on you.” I and the board read such to mean give profusely to Currencia University. I’m sure you share our interpretation and will donate to help us make the world, and the universe, a better place.

Always in God’s name,

The Very Reverend Phineas Barnum, S.J., CFO, MBA


(with clarity provided by I.M. Windee)

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