…and a donor worthy of a urinal

************************************************************************

Dear Alumnus-

I write to you with both an update and a challenge.

In regards to the update, it has been a good year for the return on our endowment which has exceeded the Dow Jones average by 3.68%. Additionally, alumni generosity has been robust. Still, there is much to be done.

As many of you might have heard, Charles Herbert (“Chuck”) Hedgecroft XVII embraces this university’s vision for greatness and donated 15 million dollars to us for our Make the World Great fundraising campaign. Because such gift helped us to exceed our 75 million dollar goal sooner than expected, we have increased it to 100 million dollars to allow others to follow the inspirational lead of Chuck. We have re-named the Mortimer Bancroft (“Bo”) Buckingham XIV School of Business to the Charles Herbert Hedgecroft XVII Center for Business Studies and Human Advancement (Mr. Buckingham, who had donated 10 million dollars prior, declined to get into a bidding war given mounting legal bills for his insider trading indictment). As part of Mr. Hedgecroft’s donation terms, a lottery will be held to select 10 people from those currently receiving scholarships who must name their first-born “Hedgecroft.” Additionally, each individual must serve as a human lawn jockey at his estate for 2 of Mr. Hedgecroft’s social gatherings (I will be serving 3).

Other donors who received recognition are as follows:

• Salvatore Giancome had all of the dumpsters on the undergraduate campus named in his honor for a $5mm donation and will attend a ceremony marking such once he is on parole.
• George Mellencup Winthrop XXVII donated $3mm and will have a row of urinals in the Henderson Hall male lavatory named after him. He remarked that he’s not sure he’s worthy of such but embraces this honor nonetheless.
• Roger and Mitzi Howell will have the stalls in the Ezekial Vance Capote Trans-gender Bath and Reflection Room named after them for their $2mm gift.
• James Arthur and Catherine Elizabeth McDowell gave $1mm and will have all of the feminine napkin dispensers in both male and female restrooms on campus emblazoned with their names. Catherine said they now feel they have made a difference with this honor.
• A number of devoted alumni, too numerous and anemic in donation to mention, have shown their loyalty and will be having desks, staplers and hole-punchers named after them (for 1 year and then such will be up for bid again).

There are plenty of structures left on the campus for your name to be on so I ask that you consider such. Note also that there is an upgrade program so if you can only start out at the soap dispenser or trash can level, there are ways to enhance your status.

The George Mellencup Winthrop XXVII Honorary Urinals display a commitment to Currencia U. that all alumni should aspire to and represents the very best of his and the university’s values 

***************************************************************************

The “Save Africa from Famine” fundraiser was a huge success that brought in $2.5mm which allowed us to airdrop 3 pallets of Cup-O-Noodles and a case of wet-wipes into the most needy part of Africa. The remainder of the funds went to administrative costs and a rainy-day fund for urgent needs that may arise.

Now to the future.

The Phillip Winthrop Jones building on the Charles Herbert Hedgecroft XVII Center for Business Studies and Human Advancement has now been officially declared obsolete by the Board of Trustees. Built 7 years ago at a cost of $72mm, it was state-of-the-art. But as the demands of education evolve, existing structures like it become outdated and I almost feel ashamed to see our students have to trudge into it each day, as I’m sure you would too. To replace it, we will require a fund drive (named “Great Hearts, Deep Pockets“). It will kick off with a donor’s conference in which anyone who wishes to donate at least $5,000 is invited (the fee to attend has yet to be determined, cash bar).

And as you may know, the proliferation of all of our financial needs has created the necessity for an infrastructure to administer these drives and funds received. I thank the board for its foresightedness in approving a fund drive that will allow us to have a world-class fundraising staff. I am always amazed at, and grateful for, the vision that our board displays when it comes to dealing with financial challenges. I know that the donors who created the administrative burden through their contributions will step up and help us deal with it.

To that end, the Board hired a consulting firm to study and advise how we can further encourage our alumni to show their loyalty and spirit. This firm came up with 2 cutting-edge ideas that we will implement immediately. First, we have decided to offer to our generous donors the option of buying enhanced-fonts for their names when we publish the donor lists in our alumni magazines. For a further showing of loyalty through gifting, their names can be in bold with a pronounced background color. Secondly, we have decided to issue a “non-donors” list. The consultants say this will encourage those who are unsure about whether to support advancing the cause of humanity by contributing to Currencia to do so. The Board wholeheartedly agrees.

Finally, it has come to my attention that society focuses far too much on materialism and the accumulation of money. This must change. Currencia University, through a soon to-be-announced fundraiser, will hold a study and symposium on how our culture can move away from its obsession with acquiring wealth and instead allow us to devote ourselves to advancing the causes that Currencia University does, such as eradicating overseas poverty, ending world famine, eliminating armed conflicts, and addressing global warming, to name just a few. Such an agenda requires a strong financial commitment from you, as I’m sure you’re aware.

St. Igantius said “Act as if everything depended on you.” I and the board read such to mean give profusely to Currencia University. I’m sure you share our interpretation and will donate to help us make the world, and the universe, a better place.

Always in God’s name,

The Very Reverend Phineas Taylor Barnum, S.J., CFO, MBA

President

(with clarity provided by I.M. Windee)

************************************************************************

While this should be published every time I.M. Windee thinks he has received far too many alma mater solicitations, such would occur every week. So it is posted at year-end when these fine institutions appeal to the personal tax-reduction benevolence of donors.

************************************************************************

A choice between 4 more years of chaotic but overall substantively good governance or a return to the Obama economic stagnation

*********************************************************************

Tomorrow ends, at least for voter participation, the 2020 election.

And none too soon.

The choice is not the easiest and no one, except blind partisans, can be faulted for their votes.

Voters have a choice: chaos but relative economic success or Presidential calm but economic stagnation

*********************************************************************

The confirmation hearings this Fall of Amy Coney Barrett is perfectly compatible with precedent and, most importantly, the constitution

*********************************************************************

For too many, a vanity project at best; a personal vendetta at worst

*****************************************************************************

After 3 1/2 years of Donald Trump in the White House, this page has come to the realization that any adjective, adverb or expletive cannot aptly summon the portrait of who he is as well as the word “Trump.” It takes notoriety to have your name become a descriptive word, and not for the positive. But that’s what the current President has done.

Hopes of him mellowing with the job have been largely dashed although he has shown some signs of not being as rambunctious as in his first days.

Such cannot be said about the Never Trumpers, a varied group of (some nominally) Republican pilgrims who oppose him; many out of honest conviction, some because it is fashionable, a handful to get an unobtainable approval from the media and the left wing, and worst, a few out of personal vendettas.

The latest exhibition was at the Democrat National Convention last month in which 2 of several Republicans spoke out against Mr. Trump: former Ohio governor John Kasich and former Planet Jersey governor Christine Todd Whitman.

Both come from different backgrounds with Mr. Kasich hailing from blue collar beginnings while Ms. Whitman was born into money.

Yet both proclaim to be concerned about the citizenry in general and the worker in particular. 

Former Ohio Governor John Kasich and former Planet Jersey Governor Christie Todd Whitman are two Never Trumpers who put their personal feelings for the President above the good of the citizenry

*****************************************************************************

Which makes their endorsement of Joe Biden over Donald Trump all the more discomfiting.

Ms. Whitman is the stuffy old money ilk that seems a natural to dislike anyone like Trump whose demeanor would threaten the soufflé in the oven. The term for her at least used to be Country Club Republican. Hence, she’s motivated by facile conviction and the fashion of gratuitously denouncing Trump to look virtuous.

Mr. Kasich, however, led a state that has a tremendous amount of blue-collar workers. These workers, as U.S. Department of Labor statistics point out, took it on the chops during the high tax/regulation Obama years, which Mr. Biden would bring back but on steroids.

Yet such reality did not deter him from endorsing Mr. Biden over Trump whose policies in the last 3 1/2 years have clearly been better for the middle class.

A large part of it can be explained by Trump’s attack on him and criticizing, believe it or not, his table manners during the 2016 Republican primaries. Only Trump could do this.

Yet throwing the citizenry under the bus just because he was inappropriately insulted by a serial insulter does not display the sanctimonious plateau that Mr. Kasich wants people to think he inhabits.

One must wonder if Kasich, Whitman and their Never Trump cabal will sleep at night should Biden win.

Just as John Kerry rhetorically asked a congressional committee “How do you ask a man to be the last to die in Vietnam?”,  what does Kasich and Whitman tell workers who are struggling to make ends meet because a President Biden has taken us back to the wage stagnation and job insecurity of Barack Obama’s wealth redistribution economy? “Feel good about yourselves because we have an honorable president whose policies may be financially destroying you but at least he’s not Trump!”?

The truth is Kasich, Whitman and many high-profile Never Trumpers will never feel the pain of Biden’s bad policies; they have the luxury to be pious at other people’s expense: a Liberal trait.

Mr. Kasich should move on to his MSNBC talk show that seems inevitable and Ms. Whitman should stay cloistered at her estate without trying to mislead people into voting for Biden as “a person who can work with everyone” when in reality the only people he will work with will be his fellow Democrats, many of whom have radical ideas about socializing much of the economy and society.

Despite being a lifelong Conservative Republican who voted for Mr. Trump last election but emotionally left the parking lot asking “how did it come down to this?”, this writer doesn’t like Trump but will saddle up with the Silent Majority posse and vote for him.

And then be glad to never have to vote for him again.

-I.M. Windee

The following is one of a series published here every graduation season

*****************************************************************************

“Thank you for that roaring ovation. Throwing the rose peddles was touching and even more so because they were the kind I requested.

While most speeches speak to soaring platitiudes and grandiose goals, I offer far more practical, albeit strategic, advice.

In a speech I recently gave, I advised graduates that their success would be directly tied to the people they surround themselves with.

This means it’s important not to surround yourself with people who will not make you successful as well as avoiding bad deals.

There are people out there who can only lower your batting average and choices which while giving instant gratification will only be bad for you in the long run. Such must be avoided.

Choices in life may not be so obvious nor easy to make

*******************************************************************************

To be with people who will benefit you, you can’t be with those who will not.

And such choices will not always be easy nor obvious. One of the harder things to do in life is to accept one facet of the quixotic refrigerator magnet wisdom:  grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.

Accepting that certain people will not be a part of your winning team can be difficult, but must be done.

In 1986, President Reagan, in Reykjavik, Iceland, walked away from what would have been a short-term political victory in a nuclear arms deal with the Soviet Union because he knew that the deal was bad for the country. It took fortitude but he had it. A year later he got the deal he wanted.

You too will be tested throughout your personal and professional lives with bad options disguised as good ones. I urge you to walk away from such.

Finally, I close with wisdom that your administration here at Moneteria University required that I impart today in order to speak before you: be generous alumni and give often to your alma mater.

I will go home now and take a hot bath for 2 hours.

Godspeed to you all.

-I.M. Windee

**************************************************

“Thank you for that extended ovation. It affirms my decision to request that audience applause signs be installed and an activation button placed under my foot.

Today you are here with the most opportunity laid before the feet of any graduating class. Disregard what is said about American Decline; you live in what is known to be the most technologically advanced society known to humanity. Yes, we have shortcomings to be addressed but how we communicate, our life expectancy and medical care, our housing, transportation, sources of knowledge, etc. overall exceed anything in the past.

You are set up for great success and many of you will achieve such.

*****************************************************************************

But if you do, I ask that you never lose your moorings. Never become, as my grandmother used to say, too big for your britches. In short, don’t let success go to your head to make you discard, assuming you now have them, the basic human values that we should always have.

If you look around your classmates, you will see several that will become wildly successful in the conventional, if not true, sense. There are likely several captains of industry amongst you.

Amongst them are some of the finest, down-to-earth people you may ever know. Unfortunately, that could well change when they achieve success.

I am familiar with a person who was worthy of beatification in his 20s. Through hard work and, of course, luck, he is now extremely successful in the corporate world. Unfortunately, such has skewed his judgment and now the status of the people he associates with, as well as the country clubs they belong to and their tax brackets, are the dispositive factor in whether they are worthy to be in his orbit.

The 19th-century German Chancellor Otto Von Bismarck once observed that absolute power corrupts absolutely. So too does absolute success corrupt the mores of even the best of people. I ask you not to fall into such trap.

I close with what Portfolia U’s administration has required me to remind you of: that your donations to your alma mater not only help humanity but are tax-deductible.

I must now take a large dose of Dramamine.

Godspeed to you.

-I.M. Windee

*****************************************************************************

Thank you for that imputed, extended ovation I just gave to myself through the magic of computers with recorded applause.

Much unlike prior years, my sage words will be short and to the point given the current state of our Covid affairs and the fact that I can’t speak well wearing a mask. And by the way, my wife is right: my breath stinks.

*****************************************************************************

So, as promised, I offer you no grand platitudes nor advice on taking over the world, let alone making it a better place.

My advice is more practical and for the moment. To wit:

FLEE!!!!

RUN!!!!

EVACUATE!!!

TAKE COVER!!!

SHELTER IN!!!

Thank you.

I must now mouthwash with Lysol and continue my ongoing, self-prescribed Covid vaccinations of cheap beer.

Godspeed to you all and I’ll see you on the other side.

-I.M. Windee